Silence

The heart was given to be given away. I gave it away a long time ago and never really got it back. She was my everything and I just left her. Now I am a shadow, waiting for the right moment to go crawling back to her on my hands and knees. Her name was Nithya Menon and she was literally my everything. It all started the day I left.

I was sitting in the passenger seat of my moms black car on my way to the station. When we got on the road, I couldn't help but look back. I didn't say goodbye to any of my friends and they wouldn't know I was gone. Arvind, Neethu, and Ben wouldn't care, but I knew she  would. The way she stayed with me all the time was the highlight of my time in the distant culver city . I turned back to the road ahead of me and stared ahead a moment, before looking in the mirror to the road behind us. Not a soul. It was like a ghost-town this early in the morning. I sighed and banged my head against the window. My mom looked at me.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked. I just shook my head and she - thankfully- let is slide.

When we got to the station, I couldn't stop my mind from going back to that little neighborhood in which was a pretty brunette girl with big, soulful brown eyes. As I boarded the train, I remembered her laugh and how infectious it was; her blush; her smile; her smirk; her snarl even! I had once seen her go from sweet and innocent to mean, cruel, and vicious in seconds. One time, she even growled at two guys who were giving us a hard time! I chuckled at the memory as a teenage girl sat next to me. Under normal circumstances, I would have been happy to ogle her, but I only noticed her brown eyes. They weren't as sparkly and pretty as Nitya's, however. I just glanced at her before looking out the window.

When I landed in Bangalore , I saw a girl dressed all in black and I immediately flashed back to the first time I saw Nitya. She was wearing a long sleeved black top, black jeans, and black sneakers. I sighed.

The next morning, I woke up in my old room, in my new two-person bed, feeling as alone as a hermit. I groaned and turned over, reaching out for the empty spot next to me. I felt only cold sheets under my fingers and I realized I had hoped for silken skin. Like the soft skin of Nitya's hand. I cursed myself and kicked off the sheets. I went down the hall to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. Damn I looked like hell. I got in and out of the shower as fast as possible.

I walked to the kitchen and looked around, stopping my unconscious search at the counter next to the fridge. I saw Nitya sitting on the counter of my house  as I rummaged in the fridge for anything close to being edible. I sighed in frustration and decided to skip breakfast. I walked out the door and looked down the street to the left automatically. I waited a second, just staring. Disappointed that Nitya wasn't walking over, I climbed onto my bike and pulled out of the driveway. When I was on the road, I waited before glancing at the emptyness beside me. I cursed myself for wanting Nitya to be there, holding my hand.

I walked into the grocery store and looked around. A flash of brown hair caught my eye and I caught my breath. Then I realized it was just my imagination. I felt my heart sink and I knew I missed Nitya.

Four years went by like the blink of an eye, following a routine: wake up, miss Nitya, take a shower, skip breakfast, go to college, look for Nitya, wish for Nitya's hand to hold, go out, day dream about Nitya, come home, eat dinner, go to sleep, and dream about Nitya. And then I do it all over again. And after four years, I still haven't visited her.

One day I decided to break the routine. I packed up my guitar and headed to Goa. After I had been there for a week, I started packing up. Then, out of the fogs of time, came a musical laugh. My heart stopped, my head shot up, my eyes searched. My breath caught in my throat. There was a beautiful girl with long, wavy brown hair in a black diva shirt, holding a black surf board with red skulls on it, surrounded by greasy guys. At that moment, I thought maybe, just maybe, I might be able to get over Nitya. The a cute pixie like black hair girl came over and started yelling at the guys. They scattered and she turned to the brunette.

"And you!" she yelled, "You better get your ass in the van before I hit you with your own board, Nitya!" I gasped. That was Nitya! I walked over to them. Nitya was in the middle of an eye-roll when she saw me. She dropped her board and stared open mouthed and wide eyed as I made my way over to her. I stopped a few inches away from her. Her eyes were a startling chocolate brown. Definitely my Nitya.

"Nitya...Nithya, right?" I asked. She nodded slowly.

"Saurabh... When...? How...? Why...?" she stuttered. I smiled and brushed my hand over her cheek.

"Oh, Nitya... You have no idea how much I've missed you... God, I was such an idiot for leaving..." I murmured and she grinned.

"You know, I could tell you just how big an asshole you were, but I will forgive you on one condition." I nodded eagerly. I'll do anything for her.

"Name it." I said. She dropped her grin and touched my cheek.

"Kiss me..." she murmured. I smiled and leaned closer. Her lips tasted like sugar and metal, copper and salt, blood and candy. I was in heaven. She ended the kiss and looked at me.

"I should go. My cousin is waiting." she said and tried to leave. I grabbed her.

"Please... Don't leave me again. You've left me so many time... Every time I see you, you never stay... Every time you're in my dreams, I lose you again..." I whispered. She turned to me and stared at the tortured look in my eyes.

"Tell me how it feels... to have you whole heart stepped on and crushed by silence." she said and looked away. 
"You could have at least said goodbye." she whispered. I hugged her.

"I am so sorry, Nitya. I love you." I whispered into her hair. She sighed.

"To me, love is just another four letter word." she said and walked away. I stared after her as she left me.

"It feels like hell. Goodbye, my Nitya." I whispered.
 

Silence... It was a blessing to some; a peaceful moment. But for me, it was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. Goodbye...

My Nitya.